I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
