I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize