you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
i need some magic done to my vagina
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
