I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
