You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Randomize
