i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize