I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Randomize