I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
