Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
