It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
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