Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
