just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
