I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
