At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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