i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Randomize
