a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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