Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
