Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
