I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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