last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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