it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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