just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
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