Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize