PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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