Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
