I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
