in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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