Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Randomize
