Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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