i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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