I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
