So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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