also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I just gift wrapped bread.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
