I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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