she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
