rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
