I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
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