So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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