i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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