Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
