just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
why do cheetos always look like penises
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
