So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
