I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
