Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
