toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Randomize
