Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
