mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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