What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
