Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
