Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
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