the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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