Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
My breath smells like gin and sadness
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
