Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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