i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize