My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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