i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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