I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
