i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
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