Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
