Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Randomize
